My story-#1-Bullying

Disclaimer: I do use some curses- I got really into this, I had forgotten how brutal people were to me.

I also use Initials or "pen names" for confidentiality.

Well, for as long as I can remember people said I was weird. I never really understood why. There was a girl E.M who would continuously bully me, and she would try to get under my skin, and well, she did. But I would never let her see that what she did or said was hurting me even at the age of 4. I was the girl who had two friends, both guys and I would stay with them. I was scared that anything I did would make her have one of her fits. My first Mask that covered one layer of my anxieties, and insecurities.

I moved at the end of 2nd grade. I went to Germany thinking that I could have a better life. Third grade rolls around, and I had been in the German summer camp, I had met some "friends," but they would joke and say mean things behind my back. I learned to deal with it. Make truce with the bullies, and you get protection, but I never was a standby, I would go defend the victim. I would get teased because I was "friends with the nerds." So Be It. That's around the time my depression was more noticeable. Fourth grade comes around, and I met my NEW Harasser. K.L, now she was mean, but I've dealt with worse. The first day of school, I being the kind soul I am asked to sit with her, she said sureeee. One day out of the blue she said to me, 'Imperfect Unicorn', You are such a bitch. I had no idea why or what I did to hurt her or provoke her. I was shocked. I Later was told that K.L had met up with another bullys, B.B, and B.D. When they would gang up on me and verbally abuse me, I would be helpless...what could I do. Well, yes I could have been physical and defended myself that way( Benefits of doing Tae Kwan do since I was 2 *side note* I was actually the youngest of all of my state to get a black belt), but I didn't. I would occasionally badger them back, but never as mean. Luckily at the end of 4th grade, K.L moved. B.B and B.D however stayed. I was stuck with them until I moved back to the U.S, around a year and a half ago. Fifth grade, oh 5th grade. The best teacher of my elementary school days, the class members were okay, I got by. Then high school(European high school is 6-12th grade) and I had finally found a friend group- I thought I fit in. Looking back I really didn't, I was such a try hard, trying to impress everyone to show them I was not a 'loser.' I was trying to be something I'm not. This "friend group" was backstabbing, and so self obsessed that they didn't care, or realize that there friend was suffering. asking for help the only way I knew how, staying quiet.

I moved.

7th grade.

Things got a bit better when I found some 'friends.'

And I finally learned one valuable thing about me. When, once again, I was in an abusive friendship. I realized I am drawn to the people who don't build me up. I am attracted to abusers, bullies. I am fucking drawn to the people who hurt me almost every time.

The valuable Lesson I learned from these past experiences was, Yes, it hurts when people do you wrong. And yes, people will be jerks throughout life. You are in control of you. Don't let others bring you down.

If you were/ are the person who does/ did the hurting- Learn from your mistakes. Trust me, Way easier said than done, but hey, if you know what you did that may have hurt others. And you know what you would do differently, That is progress in itself. I can acknowledge that I could have made better friend choices and could have been easier on myself looking back, its that in the moment thats hard.

Do you want to know how I see it?

These people who guide us through hard times are 'Ferry friends'.

Ferry boats take people or cargo from point A to point B and so did our friends.

Remember, You are at a different point in your own recovery now.

Stay Positive-You Can Do Anything You Set Your Mind To.

~Imperfect Unicorn

23/5/18