(TW) Through It All

Through It All

January 9th, 2:30 pm.

The words filled my head like water fills a bathtub.” We found it. We found your suicide note,” my mom said through tears. They asked if I would be able to not hurt myself. I couldn't answer that.

Emily, my therapist, opened her mouth to say something, I thought she was asking something like “Should she be admitted?” I couldn’t hear the exact line she mentioned. The water was filling my ears. I could hear the pain in my father's voice saying “I think that's best.”

I see my daughter struggling. As a father, I feel it’s my responsibility to protect her. I feel like I’m dying, seeing my baby hurt herself, and I can't understand why, or why she couldn't just stop. I read through the letter again, words like “empty”, “lacking”, “enough” fill the paper. It is profoundly sad and disappointing. I don't see any of those when I think of her. She is my perfect girl. She doesn't see how amazing she is to everyone else.

Madeline hears a voice in her head, which I know is only internal, but to her it’s so real. It’s just like me or you. My wife and I talked about what was going on, maybe a schizophrenic episode? We aren't sure. At first, Madeline is not opposed to going to Yale, but I think once it was a reality for her, she got scared. She had been acting numb for the past few weeks. Which is scary for her, she is so bubbly and kind and happy, or I guess she just presents herself as happy.

I have to tell my best friend what was happening, i mean i have no idea how long ill be gone for.

I go to the bathroom to call Natalia. Tears streaming down my face. I am so scared. I tell her “Love, I’m so sorry, but I need to leave you for a while.” I know that this is the best and i just can't stay here. I'm too much of a danger to myself.

Natalia says to me, “Mad’z, you know I love you and I only want what's best for you and if this is what you have to do, I support you. If I can I will visit you, and I will call you everyday. I love you so much.” Obviously talking to her made me feel a little better, but I was still scared. I just had to get out of that building.

I was a freshman on the first day of high school, unprepared to go to the hospital. I had no clothes with me, or anything without strings, or really anything I could use to self harm. I was wearing jeans and my blue hoodie. It was so blue that it stained me too.

My mom, dad, and I went to Marshalls to pick up some clothes. I ended up picking up two pairs of leggings, a few workout shirts and a really fuzzy fluffy robe, nightgown. We started driving the 45 minutes to the Yale Psychiatric Facility. I had to be evaluated, they gave me a wristband, and then made me change into a pair of scrubs, and metal detected me. I was sent upstairs to the Adolescents section of the hospital where I waited for three days and two nights for a bed at the inpatient facility. After those few days I got a bed and left my family officially.

After that they took all of my belongings and put them into a clear plastic bag. I then said my goodbyes, and that feeling of guilt for leaving my family, even though it was the right thing haunts me. I was put onto a stretcher with a blanket and sent on an ambulance to go to the inpatient facility.

Its probably around 12 at night and im anxious. All of these different nurses, physiatrists, staff, therapists, counselors keep on asking me questions. After what seemed like hours was over I sat in the main entrance.

January 25. 11 am.

Today is almost marking two and a half weeks. After almost losing all hope of getting out before the end of the month, I finally got the word from my therapist that today was the day. I was persistent and had the discipline to last this long, while working on myself so hard. Once they told me i was getting out later that day, I started to pack for my discharge.

The brown paper bags they gave me said Madeline in a fancy font, written by my favorite nurse. I will keep this for as long as I can. I was told I wouldn't be fully processed to leave until 5pm. Of course my family came as soon as they heard of my discharge.when i saw my family I started to cry, I had missed them so much. My dad had visited me almost everyday, but I hadn’t seen my mom due to her foot surgery. They brought my blue suitcase and I put my collection of books and art inside. And after three meetings, I went home. Reflecting on this experience i realized i used courage, to get through the hard times. Sacrifice, not seeing my family or friends,and learning to cope without them. Integrity by being so open and honest with the staff so i could get accurate help. Perseverance, for when i could have ended but I didn't. And discipline, by keep going no matter what.

Here I am today, September 17 2019 standing strong doing what helps other people. Training service dogs all over the place. Doing good in the world, i had to have perseverance to be able to see what good i could have done in this world, and here i am.

January 9th, 2:30 pm.

The words filled my head like water fills a bathtub.” We found it. We found your suicide note,” my mom said through tears. They asked if I would be able to not hurt myself. I couldn't answer that.

Emily, my therapist, opened her mouth to say something, I thought she was asking something like “Should she be admitted?” I couldn’t hear the exact line she mentioned. The water was filling my ears. I could hear the pain in my father's voice saying “I think that's best.”

I see my daughter struggling. As a father, I feel it’s my responsibility to protect her. I feel like I’m dying, seeing my baby hurt herself, and I can't understand why, or why she couldn't just stop. I read through the letter again, words like “empty”, “lacking”, “enough” fill the paper. It is profoundly sad and disappointing. I don't see any of those when I think of her. She is my perfect girl. She doesn't see how amazing she is to everyone else.

Madeline hears a voice in her head, which I know is only internal, but to her it’s so real. It’s just like me or you. My wife and I talked about what was going on, maybe a schizophrenic episode? We aren't sure. At first, Madeline is not opposed to going to Yale, but I think once it was a reality for her, she got scared. She had been acting numb for the past few weeks. Which is scary for her, she is so bubbly and kind and happy, or I guess she just presents herself as happy.

I have to tell my best friend what was happening, i mean i have no idea how long ill be gone for.

I go to the bathroom to call Natalia. Tears streaming down my face. I am so scared. I tell her “Love, I’m so sorry, but I need to leave you for a while.” I know that this is the best and i just can't stay here. I'm too much of a danger to myself.

Natalia says to me, “Mad’z, you know I love you and I only want what's best for you and if this is what you have to do, I support you. If I can I will visit you, and I will call you everyday. I love you so much.” Obviously talking to her made me feel a little better, but I was still scared. I just had to get out of that building.

I was a freshman on the first day of high school, unprepared to go to the hospital. I had no clothes with me, or anything without strings, or really anything I could use to self harm. I was wearing jeans and my blue hoodie. It was so blue that it stained me too.

My mom, dad, and I went to Marshalls to pick up some clothes. I ended up picking up two pairs of leggings, a few workout shirts and a really fuzzy fluffy robe, nightgown. We started driving the 45 minutes to the Yale Psychiatric Facility. I had to be evaluated, they gave me a wristband, and then made me change into a pair of scrubs, and metal detected me. I was sent upstairs to the Adolescents section of the hospital where I waited for three days and two nights for a bed at the inpatient facility. After those few days I got a bed and left my family officially.

After that they took all of my belongings and put them into a clear plastic bag. I then said my goodbyes, and that feeling of guilt for leaving my family, even though it was the right thing haunts me. I was put onto a stretcher with a blanket and sent on an ambulance to go to the inpatient facility.

Its probably around 12 at night and im anxious. All of these different nurses, physiatrists, staff, therapists, counselors keep on asking me questions. After what seemed like hours was over I sat in the main entrance.

January 25. 11 am.

Today is almost marking two and a half weeks. After almost losing all hope of getting out before the end of the month, I finally got the word from my therapist that today was the day. I was persistent and had the discipline to last this long, while working on myself so hard. Once they told me i was getting out later that day, I started to pack for my discharge.

The brown paper bags they gave me said Madeline in a fancy font, written by my favorite nurse. I will keep this for as long as I can. I was told I wouldn't be fully processed to leave until 5pm. Of course my family came as soon as they heard of my discharge.when i saw my family I started to cry, I had missed them so much. My dad had visited me almost everyday, but I hadn’t seen my mom due to her foot surgery. They brought my blue suitcase and I put my collection of books and art inside. And after three meetings, I went home. Reflecting on this experience i realized i used courage, to get through the hard times. Sacrifice, not seeing my family or friends, and learning to cope without them. Integrity by being so open and honest with the staff so i could get accurate help. Perseverance, for when i could have ended but I didn't. And discipline, by keep going no matter what.

Here I am today, September 17 2019 standing strong doing what helps other people. Training service dogs all over the place. Doing good in the world, i had to have perseverance to be able to see what good i could have done in this world, and here i am.

~ Imperfect Unicorn

(this was written a few years ago)